This “starts” with a wedding in Spokane Washington. This time. We have reached the part of our life where we often see our extended relatives at graduations, weddings and funerals. Do we always get along – no. Do old “injuries” come to the forefront at dumb times – yes. But we work through these things slowly but surely. And I am not always the best at letting things go, and starting anew. Some of that is experience. I have 62 years of being let down and of people trying to hurt my feelings etc. But what I am trying to do as part of my new “GRATEFULNESS” mantra, is looking first to see if something hurtful has been done on purpose. Or more commonly, is that person just clueless! It probably helps that I am somewhat oblivious to the games people can play.
It is quite rewarding for me to be with my immediate family. For the most part we get along although hurt feelings can definitely happen here too. It is very hard to be a person that promotes being “nonjudgmental” about other people but still bringing in our own family “hurts.” I think as humans, we tend to judge people as a survival mechanism- we evolved as beings needing to protect ourselves and family from the “scary and bad” people and situations. And I taught my kids to trust their gut when something feels wrong and get the hell out of that situation. But what about the soft situations? Those where we feel hurt by tone or judgy words, that may not be meant the way we take them. That is where family becomes difficult. You don’t want to walk away from someone who you also know would go to the ends of the earth to protect you. It is a weird feeling. And a long game learning curve. And of course- family is more than just your immediate group.
I tried to walk away from my family when I was in my 20s (yes, a long time ago!). My mother had died and my father and stepmother were not being good people. I really wanted to get my brother away from them, but it meant I would have to leave college- my mother’s dream for me. My father and I got down to telephone calls on birthdays and Christmas (this is before texting!) only for 3 years. I know he didn’t really understand why, but I could not watch my stepmother mistreat my brother and my father being so oblivious. Bean would graduate from high school when I graduated from college and then I said I’d take him some how and some way. But by then he was ok with it and independent. And I got married and finished a doctorate and then started my own family. Bean and I stayed decently close throughout.
I write about this to introduce the newest adventure in my now grown up family. Both of my children are married to amazing and kind spouses. Encouraged my daughter to get her DPT to keep me moving as I age, and my son got his doctorate and makes the big bucks. He always said he’d put us in the “good” home when we got older. And that has started. He and his wife just closed on 5 acres with a house and barn, and room for Dave and I to build an ADU. On their property! I am also very close to my daughter although they are stuck up in Bozeman for the time being and I am NOT living there. I’d love for it to work out that they live closer but hey- phones are cheap, texting is almost daily and even flights are not as horrible as before. And they are willing to come home!
In no way would I ever have gone back to live anywhere close to my father when I was in my 20s and 30s. 450 miles away, and a twice a year visit sufficed. I did move him closer to me as his body failed and my stepmother would not care for him. But even that was reluctantly. We did not have a relationship with my in-laws for almost 20 years because they didn’t want us around. So it is quite shocking to have my children want us to be around. Want to spend time with us. Shocking.
The house just closed and it is a beautiful place. I’ll have a garden PLUS raised beds, chickens and hopefully, some llamas next year. And a barn cat! Fingers crossed that the ADU actually gets built. I love this house but the 18 steps to the front door get harder and scarier each year. We will be leaving the foothills for the flats again but one “advantage?” Of climate change is the valley has less fog than 30 years ago.
So we will all be working on getting along, tone of voice, word selection etc and maintaining our space. There will be a walkway between the houses for the new grandson to run to us in a few years. Good times are coming! And I am still amazed!